Subversive.

My desire:

convolution

that is what you think

I've lingered an eternity

with down-trodden wings

In case of an emergency

we burn all our things

pick out our favorite cinder

add a Spanish "she"

What irony!

(the story

of inner beauty seen)

take the field

leave me

whatever it has to be

but take with you this pain

from veins

from hands and feet

wear it like a shirt

Be curt

and I'll believe

that fission did its mission:

split you up

Set me free

The Favor

The other day you called me.

This wasn’t something unordinary. In fact, the call in question was the eighth call that I had received from you over the span of a five-day workweek.

The subject: you needed me to pick you up.

The subtext: you wanted me to pick you up.

The body: very redeeming.

I dropped everything, mounted my metallic steed, and galloped up the street.

…

I turn off the engine; my car has been idling and on the verge of an overheat.

I think I must have misheard your call.

Unlikely.

I may have allowed my lack of pride to slow down time.

10:43.

I drive home unaccompanied, in what feels like a victory.

Halfway home, my foot teases the brake pedal.

There is a defeated deer staggering across the street, with half of its antlers scattered along the grass on the side of the road that he is approaching.

Why return to such a scene?

Something evaporates from the left side of my chest into the night, and I have to roll down my window to release the steam.

My phone leaves my cheek, and in a brief span of time, my car undertakes a ten-point turn in order to reverse course.

Prior to the beginning and end of my stunt driving career, I heard myself say:

“Be there in ten minutes”

Recess

I can recall a scene
if I really try
see the sweating of my brow
see the squinting of my eyes
I was lying in a field
and crouched by my side
were these outside ideals
stacked 6 feet high

Do I wish I could be the man on the silver screen
or that I could be with the girl who wished to be with me
wishing to end up being lovelessly married
living miserably until the day I'm effortlessly buried

The extent of the depravity
I've seen
and the subsequent construction

necessary security
dividing
the outside world from the purity I've kept

at least I think I have

it might've crept away from my embrace
while I slept
this has happened several times

in a literal sense


I'm sure you guessed
that I used to get out more
did more
thought less

I've brought death
to my nature
this stack of ideals
is all I have left

it disappoints you that I have disgusted myself
that my disfigured innards
have grown inward
intense

my distinctive sins
finally
distinctly grotesque

Denial

I'm trying not to think of what I do

What I give

Because then I'll stick my hand out

I'll gesture toward you

An ugly thing, it is

I'll atrophy an undisclosed amount

I'll receive nothing and I'll hold true

hold two broken ribs

you ask me what I cry about

The truth is that what I've been through

made me want this

and you promised to relinquish what you've announced:

the universe does all but forgives

love is tainted

there's a stain I kicked on your good heart

I was just climbing up the walls of my own pit

I didn't create it

And the strain has claimed of my reputation a decent part

Now I've dealt with my own shit

fence is painted

Andy Griffith said its just the start

that everythings a metaphor, that's it

we can either hate it, the punishment,

or make a Rembrant out of a painted fence, works of art

We are

the ones

who want

the star

of our

good luck

to outlive its supply of energy

but if it outlives its dependent planets, so what?

then its just floating

consuming its own lifeforce

self-indulgence

and its consequential self-loathing

Unconditional Reciprocal

See.

a terrible thing that you hate to believe

but know is true

You see a big piece of the real me

and it disgusts you

And I laugh, because I'm peeking out from a semi-enclosed two way mirror

The rest is so much worse than you know

And I hate it, so, i guess i hate myself

And I've debated, whether defense is needed

you don't see it

You ignore it

There is so much you don't know

The reason why I'll always be alone

No one is so strong to ignore themselves until the end

to throw themselves off a bridge when they hardly know how to swim

well i never learned what to expect
a reciprocal?

Nonsense, for I have the breaking point of diamond

I learned to swim as a dog does

when its master falls through the ice

It knows that its food and shelter is floating off in the water

and this pushes him to save a life.

pay attention to his true intention.

I have the curse of seeing my flaws

My humanity bites

like a Venus flytrap in a pigpen

and looks just as ugly

i want a lot of things

I just need someone to love me

as unconditionally as I love them.

The Wanting Man.

Whats the cause of our catharsis?

It seems that art is the best companion to cover my own emotional losses

Behold the beacon.

The majority of its time is spent within various domains of love

and its consequential blissful unrest

but every night it returns to try and solve for an empty set

{no love}

They say the greatest gift is given when the ultimate gift is receiving

However it is the ultimate tragedy that kindness is the gift that keeps giving... back regret.

Its in my nature.

The nature of which

Causes me to wonder when it is this mysterious time will give rise to something greater

When the future will look back at this crater-riddled terrain and say:

This suffering may have been cruel but its effects were clearly self-created

Do you think I'm being pessimistic?

Last time.

Go on like you should.
My emotions are going too far
To you I mean nothing but a thought.
When I want to go back to when you cared,
I think of the things I did to get you there
In this moment I am nothing.
A security policy, nothing less
A secondary front, nothing more
You are everything to me,
And for them you'll settle for being a whore.
Well, a critical push is whats in store
Blood roses, Blood roses strewn over the floor!
Why won't you look?
Your conscience will wake.
My pride? Well now there's nothing to take
Fuck you.
Fuck you for being so fake.
This is quite the nightmare,
Will I ever wake?
For each new reality seems to bring a new fate.
And, my dear, it is you who turns love to hate.
I want to disappear.
I'm not getting life,
for life without you is certainly not such
But now that it has been mentioned,
Life without you, now that is a must.

The Weakness

This collar's fastened firmly on
I can't even feel it anymore
"Did you know that I would die if you were gone?"
I say as you push me to the floor
"Open the door, we're going out"

Walks are for the weak of heart
And last so long that i call you God
and pray that i can rest my arms
I'll bet that you expected me to be so foolish
For we both know that your love lasts
only as long as they are moving

These other men, they come and go
freely yet not one of them gives you heart and soul
In my eyes, you offer me the entire globe
Compared to their gifts, its just an igneous stone

"Why don't we just go home!?"

I feel the wicked lash in my bones

"Your mind is simply on loan.
It'll always be mine, and never your own."

I obey
and crawl back to my place
Beneath the abyss lies this lonely cage
But just one kiss, and i shall raise
One kiss, zero praise, death betrays
One kiss from you, darling, and for you i will raze.

Inferiority Complex

As I walk though this damp field of uncertainty
you watch from the other side not concerned, but interested
The difference is that interest, like most things, will pass
but concern indeed stems from love,
a pest that one cannot be rid of
A pest that I would wish on you in a heartbeat.
For one beat of your heart lies so far beyond my seemingly pathetic reach
yet passes under my nose like a soft summer breeze
Begging for recognition
While trying to keep from giving you time to rethink
whatever it is you see within me.